When I think back to all my previous entries I’ve made and the state of mind I was in, the dark place I was stuck in, it’s no surprise that they all talked about my pain, anxiety, depression, and so forth. It seemed to me that I would be in that state of being forever, a wasted existence. This new year started out much the same, so in my mind I thought 2021 would be yet another year of unfulfilled potential.
It would turn out, however, God had other plans with me.
One night about two weeks ago or so, I was sitting on my bed, around 4 in the morning, and my mind was heavy with the burdens I was carrying. With so many questions unanswered and critical choices to be made, and yet not possessing the willpower to do any of it, I found myself at a difficult crossroads. I wanted to pray, but knew not the words I should speak, nor was I sure they would do any good anyways.
In spite of this, I began crying out to God for some sort of answer, as I knew I could not go on without Him in my life. As the words escaped my lips, I began to feel something I hadn’t felt before, or at least not to this extent. In this moment, my words of lament turned into words of praise and thankfulness, and suddenly I was enveloped by His presence there in the privacy of my room.
It was altogether inexplicable, like with a single mighty breath God blew away all that troubled me, and the heaviness of my burdens was replaced with the reality of His indescribable love. It was a new type of feeling for me to say the least, and I stayed there in that moment, in awe of Him.
Before I knew it, my phone now read 5 am, and I reluctantly decided to stop and get some rest. Now, I’ve had what you would call “mountain top” experiences before, like when I went to church camp, had an amazing experience, then came back home and went right back to my usual patterns. This was my life cycle, one high followed by many lows. Only this time was different because it has remained with me ever since that night, and even more so as time progresses.
Now, each morning and night I not only pray, but praise, and my thoughts are only of pleasing God, and walked in faith rather than how bad things may look around me.
If you would have told me a month ago that all this would happen I’d have scoffed at the notion. It’s good to have a Father who never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself, and Him. Now, I can look forward to the future instead of dreading it. I know this will frustrate the enemy as he knew that if I fully realized my God-given potential, that I would be a threat to him. I know that my experiences will be a testimony to someone who may be feeling the same way I did until now, which is why I thought it was important to share this with all of you.
So now, instead of talks of shadows, chains, storms, I believe the future will hold greater things for me, even though it won’t all be perfect, as I am far from perfect. God knew all along that I would slip and fall, and yet He has chosen me for a time such as this.
Here’s to finally “stepping into the light.”