Despite the pain of my past, despite my lack of motivation to do even the smallest task, despite the intense level of self hatred and doubt I have, God remains. In spite of how far I’ve run, when I turn around, He’s still there. There is nowhere anyone can go to escape from His love, the kind of love no human can ever fully comprehend. That’s one of the most unbelievable parts about God-that He can just love and forgive no matter how messed up I think I am, regardless of how many times it takes me to get it right, His long arm is outstretched, waiting to take ahold of me and lift me up.
He wants to resurrect me-the real me-and cleanse me of the stench of corrupt spirits that siphon away my very will to continue living. Even so, the amount of doubt I have as to whether I can take the necessary action and actually commit to it has proven to be perhaps my greatest chain. I have attempted to take steps many times, only to realize my chains limit how far I can go.
I find it so hard to express these thoughts, except when I sit and wait-fingers resting on the keys-until something happens. I dive into my deepest, darkest thoughts and emotions, and just type without giving myself a chance to think twice, because it’s then that my doubts prevent my action. I hesitate, and in that brief moment, the enemy has everything he needs to put a wedge between me and my purpose.
If I’m going to surpass my limits, it has to start with doing what I can do in this moment. I get so overwhelmed when I look at the big picture, pondering it’s magnitude and how even one misstep will cause me to slip back to the bottom. I’ve slipped so many times that I’ve begun assuming how it will end and decide to remain dormant, motionless, collecting dust like I’ve put my life on a shelf and walked away.
For so long I have sat and waited for some great revelation from God on what to do, or for Him to give me the strength to succeed. It felt as if no answer was coming, when the reality is I either wasn’t listening when He spoke, or just couldn’t see past my insecurities and dismissed it as impossible. The truth is, the answer is so simple, but I had myself convinced only divine intervention could rescue me.
The simple truth is as the Bible says, “faith without works is dead.” (James 2:14-22) I can pray, listen to podcasts, read my Bible app, etc., but unless I can learn to walk by that faith and not by sight, then the only thing I’ll see is the profoundly huge mountain in front of me. I’ve become obsessed by this obstacle, when faith tells me Christ gives me strength to do all things through Him. Walking by faith works against what my mortal senses tell me, and yes even what common sense will tell me. Our human nature works against us daily and without fail, but when we resolve to operate by what God has promised, that carnal aspect no longer has power.
So now, as 2020 fades into the reflection of our rear-view mirror, I pray that I would not squander the opportunity God has given me to train my “spiritual eyes” to guide my way and not my limited earthly vision. I pray that I find victory in the small, daily goals, knowing that sometimes a miracle is not instantaneous, but a gradual process. Help me God to trust your process, and to remember your promises to me, always.